August 7, 2008

Jimmyleggs the Destroyer

Filed under: photo, photoshop — posted by bill @ 4:27 pm   Email This Post Email This Post

I recently joined a group on Flickr called ‘Second Shotz‘. A source image is posted each week which is then digitally edited according to the whims of each group member. Below is my contribution for this week.

Jill came up with the title “Jimmyleggs”, which I think is possibly the best name EVER for a spider… especially a gigantic people-eating one. You’d think that it would be scary enough just running into a spider like that, but you’d be wrong: It’d be way scarier if you knew that his name was “Jimmyleggs”. Plus, when his fangs sucked down to the bottom of your brains, it would make the same sound that your straw makes at the end of a milkshake, and I think your legs would tend to dance around a little right then, causing anyone nearby to point and exclaim, “Ha! Jimmylegs!”

I worked so long on it last night that I thought it might be harmful to the environment if I didn’t recycle it here. It was definitely harmful to the future existence of my fourth child, who could have possibly been conceived last night, had it not been for my red-eyed wee-morning obsessive Photoshopping. Well… that, and Jill’s staunch opposition to the very idea of a fourth child at this time.

Thanks a lot, Jimmyleggs!


Click here for a higher resolution version. Props to Mothman for the original image.

August 5, 2008

The train from Istanbul is frequently late

Filed under: quote me, random — posted by bill @ 4:27 pm   Email This Post Email This Post

Bill: “How were they today?”

Jill: “Okay. They played with Play-Doh this afternoon.”

Bill: “Yeah, I saw the circle of white dolphins on the table when I came in.”

Jill: “And Nate spilled his apple juice right in the middle of it all. He came running into the kitchen and I couldn’t understand a thing he was saying, except “Spill-t”. Can you think of a worse combination of two substances together than apple juice and Play-Doh? I just threw it all away.”

Bill: “Were we supposed to save those dolphins? Because I put them back in the can.”

Jill: “No. There was also a circle of orange dolphins, but it was a casualty of the apple juice wave.”

Bill: “The circle of orange dolphins was a casualty of the apple juice wave?”

Jill: “Yes.”

Bill: “That sounds like something someone would say would say in an old spy movie.”

Jill: “What would it mean?”

Bill: “It could be code for ‘although it seemed like a good idea at the time, I guess this exchange wasn’t really worthy of a blog entry, and now I have no good way to end it. Post compromised! Abandon authentic dialog and GET OUT NOW!’”

Jill: “That’s wordy. Why not just stop typing?”

Bill:

 

August 3, 2008

From North Carolina into my right ventricle

Filed under: bill, jill, photo, photoshop — posted by bill @ 5:15 pm   Email This Post Email This Post

Jill and I met in person for the first time, seven years ago today. She crashed right into me, and we smushed noses.

July 31, 2008

Sometimes, Nien Nunb shows up where you least expect him

Filed under: I just blew your mind!, photo — posted by bill @ 6:05 am   Email This Post Email This Post

Paper Wad

I know! That wad of paper looks familiar, right?

I bet you’re thinking the same thing I thought as I gingerly separated it from the high-traffic, low-pile carpeting just outside the men’s room at work: “Man! This tiny, crumpled bit of paper looks exactly like Nien Nunb, minor Star Wars character and Lando Calrissian’s co-pilot during the Battle of Endor!

How many people walked right past it and are now beating themselves up for not seeing it first?

Sorry guys, but to the victors belong the spoils!

The Attack of the Clone

July 28, 2008

The Sunday Funnies

Filed under: boys, liam, nate, photo, photoshop, sam — posted by bill @ 6:20 am   Email This Post Email This Post

Okay, so Nate’s eye (see below) isn’t so funny. This post was originally called both “Sunday, bloody son day”, and “I scream Sunday”. While those titles more accurately captured the gist of Nate’s eye, they didn’t really work with the other two pictures. Not pictured is me rescuing Sam from the mudslide of his diaper, him peeing in a dazzling arc from the changing table to the floor, or the look on Jill’s face as he yacked all over himself, and then down into her cleavage. Good ones, Sam.

The Powder Room
(Click here to view in higher resolution)

Judging by the amount of powder on Nate’s face and upper torso, I’d say that Liam was the man weilding the baby powder. By the time it settled, there was a heavy to light dusting of powder extending from the bathroom pictured, out into the hallway, down the back staircase, and well into the downstairs hall. Nate looked down after his picture was taken, and powder actually fell from his eyebrow onto the floor. It looked like something that would sift down from the rafters during an earthquake in a mineshaft.

After the cleanup, they ate breakfast, laughed, and then ate powdered donuts, which oddly brought their faces around full circle.

Cut me, Mick

Later, Nate had yet another encounter with the edge of a table. And once again, he emerged scathed and unvictorious.

He heard Liam ask for some ice in his grape juice, and he lost his mind. He excitedly picked up Liam’s cup, and even as Liam began to squeal in protest, Nate was already setting it back down, and his feet were starting to head for the smaller table where his own juice was.

"Eye-iiiiiiiiccccccceeeeee!" he yelled as he pelted feet into the kitchen, tripped, and went forehead first into the table. Ironically, he hit just inches away from where his grape juice sat, and it was his head that ended up needing the ice, which never did make it into his cup.

He did, however, get to watch ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ from my lap. He also got the coveted ‘Boo-Boo Buddy’ from the fridge, although he insisted on holding it directly between his eyes as he leaned against my chest and forlornly watched Thomas from beneath his swelling goose egg.

Wha Hoppened?

Here are the after-effects of dinner, unevenly distributed across the Outer Sam. Although it looks like he was eating a pumpkin, I believe this was either apricots, a Baby Mum-Mum biscuit, or both (Jill was feeding him, and I could hear her laughing from the next room).

To me, he looks like the Heat Miser, or someone who just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar. This made necessary a bath, which he promptly ruined shortly after exiting it with the aforementioned yacking.

All in all, a fairly typical Sunday.

July 26, 2008

I’ve been going through old picture folders

Filed under: charlie, gordon, hounds, houndthread, photo, photoshop — posted by bill @ 6:08 pm   Email This Post Email This Post

Over the years, my hounds suffered a number of Photoshopped indignities.

The Hounds of Bassetville

The ears have it

Touching the Face of Dog

Defenders

No, not Happy Birthday!

Where Eagles Soar

July 21, 2008

The Haunting

Filed under: Elizabeast, boys — posted by bill @ 7:15 pm   Email This Post Email This Post

Our house was built in 1902, on the crest of a low hill on Main Street. It was at first home to one of the town bankers and his family. When he had it built, he was about the same age as I am now. He and his wife raised five children within these walls, and their names were Floy, Glen, Mark, Charles, and Goldie May.

The banker and his wife are now buried in the old church cemetery off Main Street, as are several of their children, who really stopped being children long before even my grandparents began to be children. But for the briefest of lost moments, they were just children, brimming with play and youth and wholly unconcerned by the graveyard down the street, or their shared destiny within its gates. How many lives were lived within the very room from which I now type? I can feel the impression of them here now, tangible yet untouchable, unseen just below the surface of time, like rings deep within an aged tree. I imagine that it is the echoes of their lost footsteps that I hear as our own boys run through these halls.

Closing my eyes and rubbing the bridge of my nose, I find myself thinking of a poem about the nature of snowflakes, flitting and diving between houses - a wing’s ‘long memory’ across winter - which I admittedly discovered not within some dusty anthology of lesser-known poetry, but on a Baby Einstein DVD, of all places. But I’ll take my culture wherever it finds me.
 

Snow is a mind
falling, a continuous breath
of climbs, loops, spirals,
dips into the earth
like white fireflies
wanting to land, finding
a wind between houses,
diving like moths
into their own light
so that one wonders
if snow is a wing’s
long memory across winter.

~Steve Crow, “Revival”

By the late 1920’s, the house was serving as an inn and overnight boarding for tourists and travelers of the new electric railway between our town and the next. We have a copy of a postcard of it from that time which reads, in part: “Two baths, Shower, and Lavatory. Innerspring Mattresses… Rates 75¢ per person. Meals and Garage.”

The elderly couple we purchased it from six years ago had also raised a family here, and when they left, they took with them over thirty years of memories. There were stories lived here that flared, then faded, leaving faint, interlocking outlines across several generations of a single family. At a point, their stories intersected with our own, and they can all be traced from this very moment back, like the links of a chain disappearing into murky waters, anchored far below to the beginning of things.

Today, the front yard is still dipped where the trolley used to run, and our sidewalk and hedges end abruptly 15 feet short of the current road to accommodate the ghosts of that long ago railway. Sitting and swinging on the front porch, it’s easy to imagine the weary traveler, standing quietly between his suitcases at the end of the cracked walk - ready for the comforts of both the lavatory and the innerspring mattress. Or perhaps not a traveler at all, but a returning son, who followed the light in the windows, and found his way home.

Over the years, its grand originality was never subjected to period remodels. Most of it remains today exactly as it was for each of the five families who came before us. The slate roof is original, and although it is difficult to find people to work on it, as its current stewards, we have a longstanding duty to do so anyway.

The floor in the basement is hard-packed earth, and there’s still a large bin where they used to store potatoes in the summertime. The walls of the old coal room are still blackened and mottled by their years in service as a staging area for the furnace, and although the original furnace is gone, the tools used to tend it still hang on the wall, like chains in a dungeon.

Upstairs, the numerous oak doorways and window casings have never been painted, and all the original built-ins remain now as they were then. Not only are the dining room walls still papered with the original wallpaper, but I found unused rolls of it in an upstairs closet, still wrapped with twine, and labels, yellowed and crumbling, that read, “Sears, Roebuck and Co.”.

The hinges, knobs, and doorstops match the light fixtures and sconces, which are half electric and half gas. Each door can still be locked and unlocked by one of the various skeleton keys on the crowded ring that was passed down to us when our watch began. And in what would one day become Nate’s room, we found a strange-looking brass bed with a missing spindle and a mattress that possessed what I can only imagine could be described as innersprings.

Many of the windows still contain the original, wavy glass, and through them, the late afternoon and early morning sun casts patterns that look like fire, warmly frozen in mid-dance against the golden pine floors. When our boys peer through these antique windows, they are the very same ones that once reflected the looks of hope, expectation and the unfolding stories of those who peered through before them.

And perhaps they see not themselves looking back, but the continuous breath of snow, and within it, the childish faces of Floy, Glen, Mark, Charles, and Goldie May.

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