I’m tired, I’m burned out, I’m hungry, and I’m of a generally pissy disposition because the weight isn’t coming off as fast as I have ordered it to. On the plus side, my pants now come off like a magic trick, no unbuttoning or unzipping necessary. Bill is of a generally giddy disposition.

Week 1: -5.0 lbs.
Week 2: -1.9 lbs.
Week 3: -0.0 lbs.
Week 4: -0.6 lbs.
Week 5: -1.0 lbs.
Week 6: -0.6 lbs.

Total to date: -9.1 lbs.
Weekly average: -1.52 lbs.

My work-out routine suffered last week and this week as we flipped the switch from freewheeling summer to scheduled school mode. From little boys in jammies until noon, watching Tom & Jerry with unchecked cowlicks bouncing on their big heads to “get up, get dressed, brush your hair, eat your breakfast, let’s go we’re late!” From, “eh, I can wear this one more time no one’s going to see me,” to “shit. I have to do laundry again so I have clean panties at the bus stop.”

Between last Thursday and Monday of this week, all three boys spiked ridiculously high fevers and/or chucked multiple times. How they deal with being sick tracks with their personalities. Nate collapses in an Elmo blanket heap wherever his legs give out, sleeps, and is lethargic. Yet, he remains sweet and cordial despite his fiery flesh. Liam RAGES at the sickness, yelling and screaming melodramatic things like, “I’M SICK AND BURNING AND I’LL NEVER! EVER! FEEL BETTER EVER AGAIN!!!!!! AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!” He is seriously uncool in the face of adversity.  Sam regresses by about 12 months. He fusses and is clingy and won’t let me even get around the corner out of his sight. “You come way down on your bed, Mum-Mum?” My bed, incidentally, is a makeshift pallate in his room on the floor consisting of a thrice-folded, queen-size, foam mattress topper, a green, animal print fleece baby blanket, and a pillow. It’s very luxurious. He threw up on my mattress and on various parts of my body no fewer than 3 times in 12 hours.

We had Liam’s first day of kindergarten on Tuesday. Bill turned 41 yesterday. And, we’re getting ready for a small dinner party of family and close friends on Saturday to celebrate the old man. So, I did not sweat or bleed or cry nearly enough to meet my goals last week. I have changed things up a bit. I’m running for an hour, three days a week and strength training for an hour on each of my other two work-out days. The scale is not dropping as fast as I would like, but I have to admit that I can see a difference after only a few weeks with the barbell and dumb bells. My bum has lifted a bit, and my hamstrings and quads are beginning to yawn and come out of hibernation.  

I mentioned before that I use www.myfooddiary.com to track my caloric intake, the nutritional composition of the food I eat, daily exercise (or lack there of), and calories burned. They might have the most comprehensive list of calorie burn for exercises and activities that I have ever seen. Each activity falls under a general heading (gym, household, lawn, outdoor, sports, etc.) to help you more easily locate your specific activity. Their choices range from ”dog bathing” to “chain saw use,” “paddleboat” to “quoits.” (wtf are quoits?) The very last category is ‘miscellaneous.’ Under it, there are four choices: standing-light activity, shopping, sexual activity-moderate effort, sexual activity-vigorous effort. First of all, shouldn’t sexual activity fall under ‘household’…maybe ‘lawn’ if you’re feeling particularly bold and the mosquitos aren’t out. And second, what sad sack is going to admit to ‘moderate effort!?’ That just seems cruel on the part of the people at myfooddiary. “Hey Joe, check it out. ’cornfedgal’ out in Des Moines half-assed it in bed again last night!” *high-five-smack*

Week 1: -5.0 lbs.
Week 2: -1.9 lbs.
Week 3: -0.0 lbs.
Week 4: -0.6 lbs.
Week 5: -1.0 lbs.

Total to date: -8.5 lbs.
Weekly average: 1.7 lbs.

Not really. Slow and steady is sensible. Slow and steady makes it much more likely that the weight will stay off long after I’ve achieved my goals and am in a maintenance phase.

Blah…blah…blah *snoooooooooore*. Slow and steady BORES me! I’m more the fast and erratic type. I want change. NOW! Slow and steady is my burlap thong, crudely cinched at the waist with clunky rope knots. I am Jill’s chafed groin. Slow and steady is some dumbass back-brushing my cat fur, tail to ears. It’s John Candy and Steve Martin casually careening down the highway into oncoming traffic.

“You’re going the wrong way!”

“He says we’re going the wrong way.”

“Oh, he’s drunk! How would he know where we’re going?”

“Yeah! How would he know? Thank-you…thanks a lot…terriffic.”

Week 1: -5.0 lbs.
Week 2: -1.9 lbs.
Week 3: -0.0 lbs.
Week 4: -0.6 lbs.

Total to date: -7.5 lbs
Weekly average: -1.875 lbs.

I’m drying off from my weekly shower. The big boys are still quietly conquering Xbox Lego Batman in the TV room, and Sam has stayed put in the toy room, per my implicit instructions. I can hear him talking to himself, making vrooooming engine noises and psshhhhhhhhhhh crashing noises as he creates magnificent wrecks on the sunny carpet.

I pad into our bedroom, dress, sit at my vanity, and begin sectioning my hair to dry it. I hear the metal of the baby gate strain and click against its frame as Sam presses himself, belly first, into it.

“Muuuuuuuuum-Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!”

“Hey Sam!”

“I haf-ta poop!”

“Awesome! Let’s get to the potty!”

I jump up and prepare to give him a lights-n-sirens escort to the bathroom.

I thought Sam was going to be our gifted and talented student when it came to potty-training, but what began as a strong, promising stream of a start a year ago, has morphed into a big bait-n-switch joke. If Sam is wearing anything on his lower body, he treats it like a diaper. It makes no difference if that thing is absorbent or not…meant to hold human waste, or not. He is just as happy to make a poop sling out of his big-boy underpants as he is his Pull-Ups, as he is his diaper. I’ve gone so far as to run some baby PSYOPS, trying to make him empathize with Woody and Buzz, who have the unfortunate housing assignment on the back of Sam’s underpants. Oh, how SAD Woody and Buzz would be if you peed or pooped on them! Poor Woody and Buzz! Sam cares not a lick for the comfort or sanitary state of Woody and Buzz.

However, if we leave him pantsless, that seems to serve as an effective cue to use the potty when he has to go. It’s not very practical for anywhere but in the house and it’s a bit awkward if he runs to the door and gives the UPS dude the glass-pressed weenie treatment, but it’s the best we have right now.

When I reach Sam at the gate, there is no urgency about him. No pigeon-toed dancing around…no hand cupped behind his bum. And the devil is looking at me through his crystal blue eyes.

“I have a poop,” he repeats.

“You HAVE a poop or you HAVE TO poop?” I ask for clarification, because, big difference. Absent is the trademark Michelin-plant-ablaze smell that accompanies Sam’s offerings, so I’m not worried.

He holds out his hand to me and I can see a plastic, toy hamburger that came with a play food set that the boys got for Christmas one year peeking out from between his fingers. I play along.

“Oh! Is that your poop?” I hold out my hand. He grins, pleased that I’m playing with him, and dumps the hamburger into my palm. And the plastic hamburger is unnaturally warm. And sticky. And round instead of flat. And HOLY GOD!

I cannot convey in words how strong the human reflex is to get rid of a handful of warm feces. Somehow, I don’t scream or drop it or throw it or throw up. I grab Sam’s non-shitted-up hand with my non-shitted-up hand and drag him, lights-n-sirens, to the bathroom.

“DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!!! JESUS, SAM!!!”

We scrub our hands until they are shiny-pink and soft, me hunched over him from behind at the sink, controlling his hands like a puppeteer with OCD who just found her little marionette showering in a truck-stop urinal. Him, looking up at me, nodding solemnly as I describe the evils of playing with poo.

Then, I put a diaper on Sam and put him back in the toy room…and I take another shower.

(With ample apologies to Eric Carle.)

In the light of the moon, a (not so) little Jillypillar lay in her bed.

One Sunday morning, the warm sun came up and – pop!- out of her bed came a cranky and very hungry Jillypillar.

She started to look for some healthy, nutritious, low-calorie food.

On Monday, she ate through one bowl of Smart Start cereal with skim milk and blueberries. But, she was still hungry.

On Tuesday, she ate through two egg white omelettes, a Thomas’ Light Whole Grain English Muffin, and *spray* (I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-butter-actually-I-can-because-it-tastes-like-a-bottle-of-butter-flavored-gasoline) butter. But, she was still hungry.

On Wednesday, she ate through three non-fat vanilla yogurts. But, she was still hungry.

On Thursday, she ate through four turkey sandwiches on whole-grain sandwich thins with light mayo. But, she was still hungry.

On Friday, she ate through five bags of steamed vegetables. But, she was still hungry.

On Saturday, she was so fucking pissed that the scale hadn’t budged all week, despite six hours of working out and eating well, that she ate whatever was in the kitchen that didn’t eat her first. All day. Just for spite. That night, she had huge guilt and regret!

The next day was Sunday again. The Jillypillar started anew with her bowl of Smart Start, skim milk, blueberries, and work out-regimen. After that, she felt much better.

She was still hungry. And, while she wasn’t a little Jillypillar (and never would be), she was on her way to not being a big, fat Jillypillar.

She built a small house of determination, sweat, and healthy food, called “a good attitude,” around herself and stayed inside for more than 8 more weeks. Then, she got dressed in her running shoes and Viking helmet and…

She was a Warrior Woman!

As you may have guessed, there has been ZERO change in my weight this week, and I find that “upsetting.”

Week 1: -5.0 lbs.

Week 2: -1.9 lbs.

Week 3: -0.0 lbs.

Total to date: -6.9 lbs.

Weekly average: -2.3 lbs.

I gave birth in October 2004, March 2006, and November 2007. In case you’re slow with the digits like I am, that’s three births in three years and one month. That’s also a one-way ticket to LOOOOOOOONville and I highly don’t recommend reproducing like crystal meth infused bunnies.

It’s a logical assumption to think that the weight I’m dropping is residual baby weight, compounded by multiple pregnancies in a relatively short amount of time, that I carried over like a big, fat remainder in a long division problem. But, that isn’t the case.

With the exception of the run-of-the-mill BS that goes along with pregnancy (fatigue, mild nausea, fluid retention, peeing like a damned leaky lawn sprinkler during the third trimester, heart burn, etc.) the only real problem I ever had was being in false labor with Liam for three days before I was in actual labor with him for 26 hours…still bitter about that. We didn’t have the heartbreaking infertility issues that are so common in “older” couples, there was no preeclampsia or gestational diabetes, no horrible morning sickness or bed rest ordered, no stretch marks and no post-partum depression. None of the babies were even so much as jaundiced at birth. They latched on easily and were *voracious* nursers. We were lucky. I gained 25-30 lbs. with each boy and within two weeks of delivering each time, it was all gone. My shape wasn’t back, unless you consider a deflated kiddie pool a body shape, but the weight was gone.

All of that is not to brag or take credit for dropping the baby weight quickly, because I didn’t do anything to lose it other than breastfeed. When you consider that 10 to 12 of the 25 lbs. was baby and placenta and a huge amount of fluid weight was released in the week following delivery, there wasn’t that much left to lose.

Liam weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz., Nate weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. and Sam weighed 8 lbs. 2.75 oz. The doctor said that if Sam hadn’t pooped on his way out, he probably would have been 8 lbs. 4 oz., too. (Oddly, I also weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. when I was born.)

Besides obviously being amazed that I had just pushed another human being out of my body Turducken style, I was FLOORED by how huge the placenta was! For some reason, I had pictured it as an innocuous, silver-dollar-sized piece of liverwurst, happily attached to the back of my uterus, knitting baby booties to pass the 9 months. But, no…this crimson, liver-sized monster was practically as big as the baby itself, minus a giant, unyielding, coconut head and Olympic swimmer shoulders, and smoked a Camel Light and chatted up the doctor while it was being weighed, measured, and checked for veiny goodness. (Check it out if you dare. You have ample gross-out warning.)

While the weight I’m carting around isn’t pregnancy weight, the babies are most definitely the root cause of it. They were beautiful little time vampires who sucked the minutes from my days, a good part of my nights, and often, my sense of self out of me. After they were down for the night, sometimes I would sit and think, ‘Man, I don’t think this is how I’m supposed to feel. I’m doing this wrong. I’m missing…something. Maybe somethings missing from me! I got a defective set of hardware! I’m missing the instruction manual and bolt #3A that holds the whole damned desk together!”

As the boys got older, and with Bill’s help, I regained small pieces of time and wee bits of myself. To the point where, most importantly, I felt like working out and could take an hour out of the day to go sweat and not feel like I was abandoning my kids or overloading Bill. It got easier.

I thought last week was going to be a disastrous set-back, but I guess all of the swimming we did helped off-set the Swiss Roll with Pop Tart chaser diet I was on. I did exactly zero structured exercise and ate terrible, delicious, chemical-dipped foods, but still managed to drop 1.9 lbs. Maybe it was momentum from the week before.

Week 1: -5.0 lbs.

Week 2: -1.9 lbs.

Total to date: -6.9 lbs.

I used to run track in high school for the sole purpose of keeping in shape between basketball and volleyball seasons. I didn’t enjoy running and I wasn’t very good at it. I wasn’t fast or good at hurdles, so none of the sprinting events were for me. I couldn’t jump worth a crap. And I certainly wasn’t going to be lumped in with the group of bruisers who were the ’throwers.’ So, that left distance running. Distance running is the food you push around and leave on your cafeteria tray, and only the hungriest, most desperate kid, will ask, “Hey. You gonna eat that?” No one else wanted to eat that, so I did. At every meet, I would run the 3200, the 3200 relay, the 1600, and the 800. Collectively, 4 miles. I would gut it out each time, dragging my wheezing, cramped-up body across the finish line in a glorious whimper. I’m pretty sure I never, ever won or came close to winning a race. 

The stupid thing, and also my biggest high school athletic regret, is not joining the throwers. I would have made a GREAT thrower. I was tall and lean and freakishly strong. My Mom and Dad used to shake their heads and remark that I was “built like a brick shithouse.” (It took my preteen/teenage self a while to realize that that was kind of a compliment.) I have a linebacker frame, with Russian power-lifter muscle, camouflaged by some of the necessary curvy girly bits. Probably I could have put the shot farther than most of the boys.

All of that is to say that I also lose weight kind of like a guy, at least partly because of the large amount of muscle I’m carting around. It comes in handy when moving pianos and sleeper sofas, too.

Week one was successful! I bought a new scale on Amazon, because my old Tanita was no longer the reliable horse she once was. You could shift your weight from heel to toe and get a 3 lb. variance in the reading. LOVE the new scale. It’s solid, weighs you in .2 lb. increments, and is 100% consistent so far.

From 7/17 to 7/24 I dropped 5 lbs. I know. That’s too much in one week and most likely it was a lot of water weight. Still, it’s encouraging to see the numbers drop daily. (I weigh myself nekkid every morning at 8:00 a.m.) I tracked all of my calories and nutrition and I got in 4.5 hours of walking/jogging/running, 1/2 hour shy of my goal. And, here I am reporting it, albeit a couple of days late.

This week is not shaping up so well. I’ll be lucky to hold on to any loss from week one. We’re at my mother-in-law’s lake house in SC and the food is good and flowing freely. I’ve tucked that new scale that I love so much and brought with me for motivation under a wicker stand in our bathroom and I’m avoiding eye contact with it.