Sir,

I don’t mind you banning me from your ‘little dancers’ Flickr group, which I joined months ago merely so that I could post a picture of my then 18-month-old son dancing in a patch of sunlight, and haven’t been back to since.

No. What I do mind is your pompous and self-righteous post in the group’s discussion area, explaining that you’ve conducted a group ‘review’, have banned anyone you’ve deemed ’suspicious’, and by way of your phrase, “banned and submitted to Flickr“, insinuated that I as one so banned have done something worthy of punitive action on Flickr’s behalf.

I had only to browse to page two of your photostream to find a posting far racier than anything I’ve ever put up. Should a man responsible for the highly-suggestive ‘Hot Rod’ advertisement really be administering a Flickr group featuring pictures of young children dancing? Probably doesn’t matter, but how does it feel to be judged because of it? I ban you.

May your boyfriend’s unibrow become furrowed as he grows to regard you with increasing disdain, before he eventually abandons you in favor of your far younger and lither dancing rival, leaving you alone but for your aged cat, in whose company you will find no solace.

Good day.

Sir,

We are now 3 weeks past the date by which you estimated that we should have received our “Bio Force TNT System AS SEEN ON TV“. This morning, I noticed that you are no longer a registered eBay user, and in reply to my earlier email demanding an immediate response, I received an automatically generated one that informed me that you are on an open-ended vacation, with no mention being made of a return date.

At best, this makes you a poor businessman, and at worst, a thief.

As I mentioned in my earlier correspondence, I have contacted my credit card company and initiated a fraud complaint. Your Paypal account has been frozen, and I am to immediately receive my funds back via the fraud protection that my credit card provides. I suspect your account was already frozen, as I am probably not the first to undertake this action if you are in fact absconding with your customers’ money.

If that is the case, then it is my sincere hope that you get caught, and someone with blunt, unkind fingers disembowels you by way of your rectum, then puckers your newly-outed innards with a good salting.

May the last thing you see be the crows pecking at your drying gutpile.

Good day.