August 13, 2010

And then I boiled our hands in a vat of Lysol and bleach

Filed under: daily, jill, motherhood, poop, potty, quote me, sam — posted by jill @ 12:56 pm   Email This Post Email This Post

I’m drying off from my weekly shower. The big boys are still quietly conquering Xbox Lego Batman in the TV room, and Sam has stayed put in the toy room, per my implicit instructions. I can hear him talking to himself, making vrooooming engine noises and psshhhhhhhhhhh crashing noises as he creates magnificent wrecks on the sunny carpet.

I pad into our bedroom, dress, sit at my vanity, and begin sectioning my hair to dry it. I hear the metal of the baby gate strain and click against its frame as Sam presses himself, belly first, into it.

“Muuuuuuuuum-Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!”

“Hey Sam!”

“I haf-ta poop!”

“Awesome! Let’s get to the potty!”

I jump up and prepare to give him a lights-n-sirens escort to the bathroom.

I thought Sam was going to be our gifted and talented student when it came to potty-training, but what began as a strong, promising stream of a start a year ago, has morphed into a big bait-n-switch joke. If Sam is wearing anything on his lower body, he treats it like a diaper. It makes no difference if that thing is absorbent or not…meant to hold human waste, or not. He is just as happy to make a poop sling out of his big-boy underpants as he is his Pull-Ups, as he is his diaper. I’ve gone so far as to run some baby PSYOPS, trying to make him empathize with Woody and Buzz, who have the unfortunate housing assignment on the back of Sam’s underpants. Oh, how SAD Woody and Buzz would be if you peed or pooped on them! Poor Woody and Buzz! Sam cares not a lick for the comfort or sanitary state of Woody and Buzz.

However, if we leave him pantsless, that seems to serve as an effective cue to use the potty when he has to go. It’s not very practical for anywhere but in the house and it’s a bit awkward if he runs to the door and gives the UPS dude the glass-pressed weenie treatment, but it’s the best we have right now.

When I reach Sam at the gate, there is no urgency about him. No pigeon-toed dancing around…no hand cupped behind his bum. And the devil is looking at me through his crystal blue eyes.

“I have a poop,” he repeats.

“You HAVE a poop or you HAVE TO poop?” I ask for clarification, because, big difference. Absent is the trademark Michelin-plant-ablaze smell that accompanies Sam’s offerings, so I’m not worried.

He holds out his hand to me and I can see a plastic, toy hamburger that came with a play food set that the boys got for Christmas one year peeking out from between his fingers. I play along.

“Oh! Is that your poop?” I hold out my hand. He grins, pleased that I’m playing with him, and dumps the hamburger into my palm. And the plastic hamburger is unnaturally warm. And sticky. And round instead of flat. And HOLY GOD!

I cannot convey in words how strong the human reflex is to get rid of a handful of warm feces. Somehow, I don’t scream or drop it or throw it or throw up. I grab Sam’s non-shitted-up hand with my non-shitted-up hand and drag him, lights-n-sirens, to the bathroom.

“DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!!! JESUS, SAM!!!”

We scrub our hands until they are shiny-pink and soft, me hunched over him from behind at the sink, controlling his hands like a puppeteer with OCD who just found her little marionette showering in a truck-stop urinal. Him, looking up at me, nodding solemnly as I describe the evils of playing with poo.

Then, I put a diaper on Sam and put him back in the toy room…and I take another shower.

77 Comments »

  1. Ok…I’m sorry you had to go through this…But totally worth it for MY entertainment. I’m sure the Universe is going to get me though for laughing at another Mom’s Plight with Poo.

    Comment by Kerrie — August 13, 2010 @ 1:42 pm

  2. […] jill пишет: No pigeon-toed dancing around…no hand cupped behind his bum. And the devil is looking at me through his crystal blue eyes. “I have a poop,” he repeats. “You HAVE a poop or you HAVE TO poop?” I ask for clarification, because, … […]

    Pingback by Pigeon « Эхо блогосферы — August 13, 2010 @ 2:00 pm

  3. That sounds awful! Sorry but I laughed really hard, and then read it to my husband and he laughed too. Our younger daughter just turned one, and her dirty diapers are disgusting. I mean they are really vile, and we cloth diaper so we can’t just wad it up and forget about it. I swear I don’t think my three-year-old’s diapers were ever this bad. And our little one likes to try to GRAB the poo while we’re wiping her. Ewwww.

    Comment by Jenny — August 14, 2010 @ 7:17 pm

  4. Hey Kerrie! I actually agree. It is totally worth it. I’ll take a warm poop in the hand and a good story over a kid who potty-trains perfectly. I mean, how boring is THAT!? Right?! *trying to believe that*

    Jenny- What is UP with the younger ones stinking so much worse than the older ones? Sam is by FAR the stinkiest of our three. They got progressively worse. I read one mom describe trying to change her daughter’s poopy diaper as “trying to mud wrestle a badger.” Sounds like that’s your situation, too!

    Comment by Jill — August 16, 2010 @ 11:57 am

  5. Hey Jill, This brings back memories of a little girl I know (now grown with 3 little boys of her own) who once took great pleasure in removing her pooped diaper and proceeded to smear it ALL over the wall beside her crib, AND the entire top rails of the crib. She was about 10 months old when the “dirty deed” happened. Talk about GROSS!! I must of scrubbed for 3 hours. LOL!!

    Comment by Grammy — August 16, 2010 @ 1:53 pm

  6. Heh-heh…um. I have no idea what you’re talking about, comment-leaving stranger.

    Comment by Jill — August 16, 2010 @ 6:03 pm

  7. Hmmmm…. I remember a little boy who did the same thing when he was about 10 months old…like DaDa, like Sam. :-)

    Comment by grandyben — August 22, 2010 @ 12:52 pm

  8. We have a four year old with autism we are trying to potty train and a soon to be 3 year old with ADHD who isn’t trained yet. They both disrobe and play in their diapers. We actually invented some clothing that helps the situation. http://www.ikidsfashion.com thanks a lot!

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  12. I don’t know how I missed this post and you’ll have to forgive me for laughing my arse off but I can picture it all in my head in oh..say…a year and a half where little Noey is doing exactly the same thing. I’m sure I’ll feel your pain at least once with him!

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