There’s a pizza place near our house that offers on its menu a pizza called the “Ballpark Special”. They call it that because it’s topped with mustard and sliced hot dogs. So I mean, what else would you call it? Or maybe they call it that because it’s what they hit that idea right out of when they thought of it! I’ve never ordered it, but look at this… here I am writing about it. That’s good buzz.

If I owned a pizza parlor, I’d offer a pizza with one piece missing, and call it the “Pac-Man Special”.

The Pac-Man Special would even have some banana peppers lined up in the box or on the pan like a line of glowing dots, right in front of the missing triangle. Wonka-wonka!

Maybe I’d even I’d even have a ‘Mrs. Pac-Man’ version, which would be exactly the same as the regular Pac-Man, but without sausage. Think about that.

Best of all, this revolutionary idea wouldn’t involve any special culinary skills or oddly-shaped pans. I’d just be making regularly-shaped round pies (In the pizza business, we say ‘pie’ instead of pizza) and taking one slice out!

“But Bill,” you’re saying, “You’d have all these single slices left over. What would you do with them? Your plan is silly.”

Really? Then you must think that mad profits are silly, because for every eight Pac-Man Specials, I’d have enough left over for a-whole-nother pie! Just piece all the slices together and BLAM! I have an extra pie to sell that cost how much to make? How much?

Nothing!

Who would want to buy a pizza pie made out of eight different slices, all stuck together like that? Well, only everyone, if I jammed in a ninth piece and called the whole damn thing “Frankenstein’s Monster!”

And in all the advertisements, I could use lightning. Or, I could have a bunch of villagers with torches and pitchforks and stuff standing in line… all clamoring for the Monster. Or… Or! Maybe a begoggled black and white Dr. Frankenstein could be leaning against a giant lever, looking at one of the patchwork monster-pies and screaming, “It’s a deal! A DEEEEAAALL!”. Regardless of the name, I’d resist the urge to add sliced hot dogs onto Frankenstein’s Monster, because that’s already been done.

I’d also hold a contest that would make people line up and try to suck melted cheese through straws. I don’t know how that would relate to the ‘Pac-Man Special’ or ‘Frankenstein’s Monster’, I just think it would be fun to watch.

The runaway success and minimal overhead of these initial offerings would enable me to branch out into new areas that are currently untapped in today’s pizza markets. Areas that include:

• The Backwards Pizza™
• The ‘Off the Hook™’ Seafood Pizza (market price)
• Pizza Pile™
• Toothpasta™ (mint or gel)
• Pizzagum Everchew™ Toppings
• New, crustless “Pizza Bowls!™”.

I’d still have to work out a few details, but that should give you the ballpark idea.