An estranged girlfriend was wrecking this family’s annual beach pic. Bye-bye, Blondie.

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Bill: “What if, when I went downstairs to dry Charlie’s bed, I turned around to come back up, and I saw a rackbone-thin little ribby dog standing there, all quiet. Just staring at me, but half his face was gone? And what if he looked so real that I was all like, ‘Heeeeey boy.’”

Jill: “Okay.”

Bill: “And then, I’d suddenly notice that there was someone standing behind him… this silent man, just standing there. And even though he would be standing in the light, I still wouldn’t be able to see his face. He’d just be this dark, shadowy figure. Then suddenly, they’d both just be… gone.”

Jill: “That’s pretty specific for a “what if’.”

Bill: “Yeah. But what if that really happened? We’d have to move.”

Jill: “Oh, we’d move. Right now the ghosts are probably taking notes and saying, ‘That’s all we have to do to get them to leave? A skinny dog and a shadowy dude? Take the boys with you, but leave that baby.’”

Bill: “Buhbee! On TV… It’s a dog! And there’s a dark, shadowy dude behind him!’”

Jill: “That’s Russell Simmons, Honey.”

I feel compelled to point out that the pistachio nut is not the only ‘animated’ food Bill has felt the need to save lately. I found him in the kitchen a couple weeks back scrutinizing Cheetos before eating them. Some he popped into his mouth. Others, he smiled at and laid ever-so-gently into a plastic Gladware container.

“Hey, Buhbee! Don’t throw these away or eat them, OK?”

“Um, OK.”

*beaming* “I’m making a Cheeto-Alphabet!! See, this one is a ‘J’…and here’s a ‘Q’…”

I’m questioning Bill’s sincerity in his decluttering effort. A Cheeto-Alphabet?!?! C’MON!!! And, there they sit atop our refrigerator like little stale orange donuts.

The belly button. I have no excuse for that except that I couldn’t see the surface of the shelf that it was on because it was up too high. (Hey, Jill! That probably means you haven’t dusted up there since Sam’s button fell off circa December 2007, huh? You are correct.)

B: “Hey, don’t eat this pistachio nut, it looks just like Daffy Duck’s mouth. Check it out.”

J: “Ha. It does.”

B: “I’m putting it up here on the shelf, next to Sam’s belly button.”

J: “I’d forgotten Sam’s belly button was up there.”

J: “Yep, there it is.”